Journalist Tool

Kineticist

  • HDashboard
  • IItems
  • ↓Ingest
  • SSources
  • KBeats
  • BBriefs
  • RIntel
  • QSearch
  • NName Review
  • +Health

v0.1.0

← Back to items

F*@kit Friday! Drew and Ian tell the tale of Mardi Gras!

Poor Man's Pinball Podcast·podcast_episode·analyzed·Mar 19, 2020
View original
Export .md

Analysis

claude-haiku-4-5-20251001 · $0.024

TL;DR

Drew and Scott Ian recount crude, comedic Mardi Gras party stories unrelated to pinball.

Summary

Drew and Scott Ian recount their drunken Mardi Gras trip to New Orleans during Drew's wife Kathleen's 30th birthday celebration roughly 8-9 years ago (around 2012-2013). The episode features rambling, comedic storytelling about various misadventures including accidentally participating in a gay pride parade, encountering a masturbating man dressed as Zorro with a camcorder, and exploring pirate-themed bars in the French Quarter. The conversation is deliberately crude and is framed as casual Friday entertainment rather than pinball-focused content.

Key Claims

  • Drew's wife Kathleen's 30th birthday landed on Fat Tuesday and they decided to go to Mardi Gras

    high confidence · Scott Ian and Drew, direct recollection of the event

  • The trip occurred 8-9 years ago (dating the podcast to approximately 2020-2021, placing the trip around 2011-2012)

    medium confidence · Scott Ian explicitly states 'eight or nine years ago roughly speaking' and Drew confirms 'this was 2012'

  • Drew was already drunk when boarding the plane, having consumed alcohol two nights in a row before departure

    high confidence · Drew's direct statement: 'I was still drunk on our plane going to New Orleans'

  • In Mardi Gras, New Orleans police said they didn't care what people did as long as they didn't urinate or defecate in the streets

    medium confidence · Scott Ian: 'They said like We honestly don't care what you do as long as you don't pee in the streets'

  • They found a spot with a beer cart offering a deal of buy one beer, get three free for $5-6

    high confidence · Scott Ian describes the promotion: 'buy one beer Mike Miller light bud light coors light get three free... it was like five or six bucks'

  • They accidentally walked into a gay pride parade in the middle of the day

    high confidence · Both Scott Ian and Drew confirm they were 'dead center' of a gay parade without initially realizing it

  • While in the parade, they encountered a man dressed as Zorro with a camcorder who was masturbating

    high confidence · Scott Ian: 'I saw a man dressed up in a Zorro outfit... he's recording... I notice one hand is like holding the camcorder up... The other arm is moving vigorously... there he is jacking himself off'

  • The group included Kathleen, her brother Patrick, and Thomas Law (who was not drinking at the time)

    medium confidence · Scott Ian and Drew mention 'Patrick', and Thomas Law's involvement with protesters is mentioned

Notable Quotes

  • “Cause it's Friday, you ain't got no job, and you ain't got shit to do.”

    Opening monologue (Poor Man's Pinball Podcast intro) @ Beginning — Establishes the casual, comedic tone of the show

  • “Don't piss or shit in our streets. That was it. That was like the rule.”

    Scott Ian (paraphrasing New Orleans police) @ Mid-content — Summarizes the permissive enforcement policy during Mardi Gras

  • “We are in a parade. All of a sudden, the sidewalks are clapping and applauding Drew and I for being so open”

    Scott Ian @ Mid-content — Describes the moment they realized they'd accidentally joined a parade

  • “I'm walking right in front of the guy right and I look to the left... and there he is jacking himself off.”

    Scott Ian @ Mid-content — Key moment in the Zorro story climax

  • “I am sitting there. I'm like, I walk by and go. So all I can picture is his video camera picking up me walking by and going, huh? And then looking down and going, oh, God damn it.”

    Scott Ian @ Mid-content — Comic realization of the absurdity of the situation

  • “I don't know how we don't have 3000 listeners... nobody talks about masturbating Zorro”

    Scott Ian @ Near end of Zorro story — Meta-commentary about the podcast's niche appeal and unique content

Entities

Scott IanpersonDrewpersonKathleenpersonPatrickpersonThomas LawpersonPoor Man's Pinball PodcastorganizationNew OrleanseventMardi GraseventPierre Lafitteperson

Signals

  • ?

    community_signal: Poor Man's Pinball Podcast using explicit off-topic content to drive engagement; episode deliberately marketed as crude entertainment ('Fuck It Friday') rather than pinball-focused

    high · Entire episode structure, title includes profanity, explicit focus on non-pinball Mardi Gras stories, meta-commentary about listener growth

  • ?

    content_signal: Podcast employs rambling, anecdotal format with minimal scripting; guests (Scott Ian) brought in for entertainment value rather than pinball expertise

    high · Meandering narrative, frequent tangents, explicit acknowledgment that timeline is fuzzy, comedic banter format

Transcript

groq_whisper · $0.159

0:00
Cause it's Friday, you ain't got no job, and you ain't got shit to do. You're just in time for the after party that is Bucket Friday, starring Drew and Ian.
0:18
How's everyone doing out there? Staying home maybe? You know, just chilling? Got a warm electric blanket? Gotta get that coronavirus off ya? You gotta shake it off, you got a little bit of TP maybe, you got a little bit of your anti or your disinfectant, you're just spraying your body. Some Lysol. All day long. Lysol. Lysol showers. Sowel. Lysol showers. Lysol. Welcome to the Poor Man Spinball Podcast, Fuck It Friday. Here we're gonna talk about, Drew, what are we gonna talk about? I don't know. It's March, brother. Now, you know what happens in March?
1:00
Winter? March Madness? Mardi Gras! Wasn't that in February? But yeah, it's like February or March. It's March. When's your wife's birthday? March 8th. Yeah, when was Fat Tuesday?
1:17
March 8th. When we... 30 years ago. I mean, when she was 30. It seemed like 30 years ago. Ladies and gentlemen, we're going to tell you a beautiful, wonderful, epic story of Drew and Ian and Mardi Gras. This is the story. One of our favorite stories. This is a good story. It's a great story. Go ahead. Kick it off. It's Drew's wife's, Kathleen. It's her birthday. 30th birthday. I wasn't going to give her her age, but I'm a gentleman. This was eight or nine years ago.
1:53
roughly speaking. Roughly, maybe negative 10 years ago. Roughly speaking. But this was her 30th birthday, so it doesn't matter if it was five years ago or 10 years ago. So we thought, fuck it. And her birthday landed on Fat Tuesday, so we're like, fuck, we're going to Mardi Gras. We'd never been. Her birthday was on Fat Tuesday. Yeah.
French Quarterevent
2:17
Absolutely. So I know my side of, my version of events, Drew, You know, I think everyone has a different story they could tell at Mardi Gras. It was nuts. It was crazy. So I'll say this. I'll start off with saying that going back two days prior to the plane taking off, my uncle, the self-proclaimed bachelor for life, was in town. and I went out to a few bars two nights before our plane was going to take off we got crazy, it was crazy it was absolutely nuts, I got way too drunk and then the next day he calls me out and we're doing it all over again so I get drunk two days in a row and then we're on the plane this is before we left? yes, and before I knew it I'm on a plane to Mardi Gras Did I know this? Yeah. I don't remember this part. I was like, dude, I was still drunk on our plane going to New Orleans. Okay. Because I hung one on two nights in a row already. So we're going to do this whole thing where we're on the plane, and it was a quick plane ride from Wisconsin down to New Orleans. And we check into our hotel. and we'll skip the boring stuff there was a cool parade we had some really good chicken blah blah um it was fantastic we had some cigars and we saw some floats down downtown everything there is kind of cool everything's so cool but the next day we went to the scene though this was like 2011 yeah something this was 2012 yeah this was five or six years after hurricane katrina just so people can kind of set the scene yeah so there's still a lot of damage we go out there let's just talk about our full you know what the problem is we were there for like four days and it's like or three days and it was like we're there for five or six days weren't we i don't know but Yeah, let's call it five days. Five days. Yeah. There's a whole lot that went on. Let's just condense it into one stupid drunken time. How about that? We'll pretend like it's all one night. Yeah. How's that? Perfect. Love it. So I'll start us off with this. So let's just say Mardi Gras. We get up. We get down to the French Quarter. Okay?
4:56
And dude, it is already a shit show. There's too many people. There's a ton of fucking people Everywhere And we noticed because we're going kind of fat Tuesday So it has already been kind of going on When we got there This is during the day During the day we noticed that One You're only going to be able to use the bathroom If you were paying an establishment To use their Buy their liquor We talked to the cops down there And they said like We honestly don't care what you do as long as you don't pee in the streets. Right. They were very, very strict. No, that was their thing. They're like, we literally don't care.
5:39
Don't piss or shit in our streets. That was it. That was like the rule. Yeah. So we found like a little grotto, as I like to call it. It was in between two bars. Should we tell them about the parade before we get there? We'll get there. No, no, no. The parade came after, actually. Was it? Okay. My timeline's fuzzy. No, no, no. It's okay. I'm here for you, brother. Thanks, buddy. um so between two pretty well-established bars there's like this little grotto right and there was a guy with a cart full of beer and three porta potties which were like gold so drew and i we talked to the guy who had the cart full of beer sorry it was if you really have to pee down there finding a bathroom is it's tough yeah it's not it's not it's not it's not like most places you have to look yeah not just there yeah so we we we get there we talk to the guy who has the beer cart right it's get this fuckers it's buy one beer miller light bud light coors light get three free like that's that's stupid sure what was the cost do we remember that No, it was like five or six bucks. It wasn't much. Yeah. So we said, oh, yeah. What we really had our eyes on already were the porta potties. There's three porta potties. So we're excited. We got a ton of beer. I think we were like, oh, that's it. We gave him a $20 bill and we just loaded up with beer. We had a ton of beer. And there was a place to sit, which was another thing that was in high demand in Mardi Gras. So here we are in a grotto with our table. It's early. We have all the beer we need. There's three port-a-potties. Here's where it gets a little tricky. One, two of the port-a-potties were so full they were overflowing. Oh, I forgot about that. Every time somebody opened the door, the walk of the devil came out and killed the entire grotto. But there was that one port-a-potty that was okay. It was okay. so we had that going for us we had one port-a-potty it wasn't overflowing the two were but we had one so that was already worth it two the beers were going down so good and it was so fucking cheap and we were getting more and more beer and we were having a great fucking time and three later on and we didn't expect this they were doing potty body painting in our grotto and before we knew it there there were not too many drinks that were over three or four dollars there for the most part if you went into a bar that specialized in you could tell right you could kind of tell before going in a place where what you're going to be spending because there were places that were well established sure they had a ton of people in and they were serving some of their cocktails so like down down in mardi gras nolans they had the hurricane that's like their claim to fame signature drink sure you can kind of tell where you're gonna get fucked up and those and they might be a little bit more but for the most part but if you're trying to carve your little piece of pie in mardi gras you're gonna go cheap and that's what this guy did no matter where you went i mean you wouldn't pay more than three or four bucks which right people were competitive crazy yeah so anyway long story short we're drinking and we're starting to get really drunk and before we know it there are nothing but naked ladies all around drew and i it just kind of happened it happened like we didn't we didn't before we know it it wasn't like professional people either it was literally anybody everybody the lady next door yeah they'd come by take their top off and then they would get their body painted and i have pictures at the poor man's pinball tribe i will post some of those pictures we should that'd be fun right that would be fun because there were there were four or five women like he's talking about you know some of these women were in their 40s or 50s and they look good don't get me wrong yeah super hot but it's like they weren't celebrities they weren't like tens they were just like these good looking women with their boobs out getting painted and and most of them like relished in it which you know that's when it's like it's not seedy because they're outside their boobs are out and they're like hey check me out and you're like okay cool can i take a picture they're like great no problem yeah the boyfriend was right there a husband and they're like that's dude did you check these out I'm like, yeah, your wife's got a great rack. Yeah, a great rack. Congratulations. So crazy. That's when it's not seedy or weird. Drew and I were weirded out. We were weirded out at first. Yeah, because there's women everywhere showing their boobs. All of a sudden, before we knew it, we were just surrounded by a bunch of half-naked women. Yeah. We were like, this is crazy. And here we are. And we're drinking through all this, which is just awesome. Well, right. That's my point. So here we are, and we're in a grotto. We have a pisser. We have all the beer we can drink. There's naked women all around us.
11:06
We're almost in heaven. We're there, baby. Almost, yeah. We're there. I was like, we'll never leave. We have our spot. We were there early. We're sitting down. We're comfortable. We're out of the sun. And your wife wanted to explore a little bit. She's like, let's go somewhere else. and the man in me, the testosterone that was flowing in my crotch was like, no, we're already here. We're at the promised land. This is the pinnacle. This is the promised land. This is the pinnacle of human evolution right here.
11:43
Anyway. That's what we're selling. We got a little bit, slightly. It's just Miller lighting titties, but you know what I'm saying? That's all I wanted at the time. What do you need? So we were like, after a little bit of humming him and then Han and me going, this is fucking bullshit. This is bullshit. Granted, I was in my late 20s and I was in shape at the time and I felt like I had a shot with some of these women. But I didn't.
12:09
How did that end up for you? I got married later with somebody else. But not to her. Not to any of these ladies. Anyway, so we ended up leaving, leaving that place, and we were walking down this street.
12:24
And I think we stopped off at a couple of bars. It was okay. Yeah. And we were progressing down the French Quarter, which is not just one street. It's multiple streets, guys. Do you remember all this, or is this kind of piecework for you, too? I know the highlights. Okay. That's where I'm going with it. I'm just checking, because I'm... Because a lot of this is... I'm remembering most of this as you were kind of going through this. I feel like a lot of this might have been multiple days, but it could have been one day, honestly. Because we were there, I think we were there like four or five nights. I want to say I got drunk five days in a row, and I got drunk the first two days. Correct. So I think we were there three full days, honestly. I think four, but yeah, it was a lot. Anyway, it doesn't matter. No, no, no, but I'm just trying to... What matters is the highlights. Yes all the highlights were the best So let go through some of these highlights Oh boy Here where it really begins folks Well once we got out of our comfortable little grotto and we went to a couple bars it was all good But later on in the day, I don't know if – all right. So obviously I'm talking to a wide variety of people. Maybe not everybody understands where Mardi Gras is. So in Louisiana, in the town of New Orleans, but the whole state, I think, fucking celebrates Mardi Gras. But New Orleans, that's the party central.
13:46
So it's a big party, right? And it's not just a party where you just get drunk. This is a party where it's very free and liberal in a lot of ways. As in, when we were talking about that, literally the cops don't care what you do as long as you don't pee in the streets. Just don't take your dick out and pee. If you can take your dick out and do other stuff. We'll get to that. We will. I'm not going to spoil anything. Yeah. But they basically, no, they said, they looked at a straight face and they're like, don't pee in our streets. Yeah. That's what we don't want. And they had, remember like the robots? they have like these um what are they called they would they would be the cops would be able to see above like the drones yeah when it wasn't a drone it was like a it was like a scissor lift okay but it was covered yeah i don't remember oh you don't no so like the cops what they would do because the crowds were so thick and so dense the cops are getting these little like pods and the pods could go up like one story high like imagine like 12 15 feet and they could see everything you know like i said like like a scissor lift basically yeah but it was covered yeah so you couldn't like throw shit out but these cops would like be up there they'd be looking at everyone around them you know like i said they go up 12 15 feet and they're like yep that's the only way we can kind of keep peace here yeah crazy it was cool it was cool very cool though very very cool um but but What I was saying is very liberal. It's very, very, like, as far as the sex stuff goes, it was very open. So you had gay, you had straight, you have trans, you had the whole spectrum. Everything in between. It didn't matter. Nope. And what was really, really funny during all this, and we were unaware of the spectrum at the time. Yes.
15:48
We were walking down the street. This is the middle of the fucking day. This is one of my favorite stories of all time, by the way. There was a couple things that happened here, but we'll just go, like, we'll hit them as best as we can. Yeah, this is literally, like, two in the afternoon. Yeah, it wasn't anything. We were at, like, three bars. We got drinks. We're just hanging out. We got, we're feeling good. We're warm and fuzzy. And I had been drinking for two days straight. Yep. But there was nothing odd about this day. Saw a bunch of boobs. Yeah. And that's kind of what we thought we were going to get into. Nothing was out of the ordinary. Did we set the scene all right? Okay, here it is. It's a beautiful day. It's sunny. We're walking down there. We've had a few cocktails. We had a lot of beer because we were at the Grotto.
16:37
Our bladders were empty. We're walking. We're walking down the road. And before you knew it, we didn't realize it until it was like, it got weird. we got we turned into we we got into a gay parade we literally were dead center not knowing what the fuck we were doing we were in the fucking epicenter of a gay parade and it was it was cool we're walking i noticed something was off when to the right and hang on i want to qualify this we weren't walking next to guys holding rainbow flags because that would have been like okay here we are in this gay parade yes what did we what did we walk right next to ian so the right of me was a guy in a bathtub wearing a baby bonnet and a diaper and another guy wearing the same thing pushing him pushing him it was like like it was like uh um it was like a shopping cart basically right remember i remember i remember so it was like a shopping cart that was made into a bathtub whatever so you're like okay that's weird enough not judging and no not at all and the one guy no so here's kind of here's kind of how i remember and i always tell this stuff just real quick go I remember looking at that going, wow, that's really weird. And then I look around and I saw instruments being played, like music. And then I noticed all the women had facial hair.
18:17
They were men. And I realized I was in the fucking epicenter of this trans parade, which isn't bad. But for a guy in his 20s who was like, just thought he was walking down a road? Because we were 28, 29 at this time. It was so funny. Drew, go ahead. So for me, the way I remember this is, you know, we're walking down the street and we're kind of looking at all the weird stuff.
18:49
As in like Mardi Gras stuff. Because in Mardi Gras, you got to understand, like everything's kind of weird. Gay, straight. Yeah. You know, black, white, green, it doesn't matter. No. Like, Mardi Gras is people just dressing up in weird costumes and doing weird things and all that stuff. Yeah, it's very liberal freedom. But not even that. It's literally stuff you've never seen before. It got weird. Yeah. So we're walking down the street, and we see a couple of weird things, and we're like, oh, okay, that's kind of interesting or whatever. Right. And then we keep walking, and we're like, hmm, that's really weird. and then we keep walking more and then we see a guy in a diaper and a bonnet pushing another guy in a diaper and a bonnet and we're like okay see when you say it like that you're like i don't care if you're gay straight black white green or red that's just weird that's fucking weird yeah because you're walking down the street and in in our terms even though it was mardi gras it was the middle of the day which usually the day is like tame you know it's like it's a day it's we're just kind of having fun having a few drinks and now we're like ian and then i kind of like i poke him and i look to the left and i'm like did you see that and he goes i think i see that and there's this guy pushing another guy and they're both wearing diapers yes that's weird i don't care if you're gay or straight that's not even the point here this is not a gay or straight commentary And I will say this, by the end of the day, that was pretty tame. Yes. Compared to the things we did see. We're going to get to that. Yeah. So we're there. But then what was more weird for me personally was the fact that we were in a fucking parade. We found out we're in a parade. We're literally walking down the street and we're kind of laughing and giggling at this weird diaper baby guy pushing another diaper baby guy. So we're like, that's funny. And Ian and I, being Ian and I, how immature we are, we're like, oh, that's great. And we should preference this, too, by the way. We were with Drew's wife, Kathleen, and her brother, Patrick. Yes. It's the five of us. We didn't mention Patrick, but Patrick's with us. That's right. Yes. Go ahead. Continue. So we're walking, and we're like, holy shit. And then we're like, we are in a parade. All of a sudden, the sidewalks are clapping and applauding Drew and I for being so good. open yeah there were people there like watching us and we're like yep and then we realized we're in a parade and then we realized we're in a gay pride parade yeah so ian and i officially have marched in the new orleans gay pride parade of 19 or 2000 and whatever year it was and uh once again it's it has nothing to do with gay straight black and white or green or red it was just a bizarre experience really cool being in a parade that was cool in mardi gras with diapers yeah we weren't wearing diapers we weren't i don't know we are the only sane ones that whole parade we should have known way earlier but that was the problem because the diaper guys it just kept getting weirder and weirder we mentioned the diaper guys because that's what comes to our memory but i remember being surrounded by guys in thongs and yeah the whole thing glitter and big, big transvestite. I mean, you just think about... Everybody, all the shapes you would... You think about... You just... God damn! Think about any parade you've ever... It was crazy. If you think about any parade you've ever been to, what do you have? You have these groups of people, right? Like it's like the... Maybe some floats and stuff. Yeah, you have the floats. You have the marching band. This didn't have floats. You have the music. Yes, but then just imagine this with the gayest amount of people you could possibly have. And we were just fucked up enough that we just went with it. We were like, it took us a while. We ended up waving. Well, it took us a while to figure out what happened. And then once we realized what was going on, we were like, well, we can roll with it. Sure. We're not going to be those people that are like, oh, no, totally against this. Because there were those people out there with their pitchforks. Yeah, you had a lot of them. You had a lot of the protesters. You know, oh, my God. God is going to burn you at the stake because you're gay. And my brother-in-law, who doesn't drink anymore, he had some fun with those guys. A lot of these guys, not even at the parade, but just in general, they had, like, the, what, if you masturbate, you're going to die. Yeah, it was crazy. Whatever, like, outside the church. And he just went out to a couple of them. And you got to understand, my brother-in-law is like so straight-faced. And so. Yeah, it's a dry sense of humor. Yeah, even Keough. And he went up to him because, like I said, he doesn't drink anymore. But he was drinking then. He goes, hey, I just jerked off. Am I going to hell? And we're like, what the fuck? And he's like talking to these guys. And they're just like, oh, shut up. And he's like, what? You're going to hell. Yeah, you're going to burn because you jerked off. Yeah, yeah. Because one of them just said, like, masturbation is a sin or something. You know, all these guys, they do this all through Mardi Gras. These protesters. It's harsh. It's a little harsh. They are. They're like brutal. Made us more, I don't know, just ready to do this fucking parade. All of a sudden, we were shocked that we were in a parade. And then with these assholes, we were like, nah, fuck it. We're in the parade now. Yep. Like, this is happening. We should have held hands, Drew. I know what I think about it. But anyway, I want to kind of fast forward a little bit. Franchi, are you listening? So we went through a gay parade, which was hilarious. And then in its own way, not to say that gay parades are hilarious, but in its own way, Drew and I going through it. Oh, that's hilarious. Was pretty funny. And then here's one good story you guys are going to love.
24:55
So we're walking down the road. And I think this is towards the end of this parade, right? So we've seen a lot of stuff at this point. And to the left of me, I shit you not, I saw a man dressed up in a Zorro outfit. This is my favorite story. With a camcorder. This is not my favorite Mardi Gras story. This is my favorite story of all time. This is awesome. So we're walking down the road, and this guy's at the curb. He's sitting on the sidewalk, actually standing, and he's dressed up as Zorro. He's got a Zorro mask and a Zorro cape. And he's got like an old school camcorder, big ass camcorder. But no shirt. no no no sure he's got a mask and a cape and like black underwear don't worry i'll get to that um so he's he's recording he's recording the parade yep just a little handy cam yeah yeah it was a big fucking camcorder yeah i remember it being relatively large so i was like it probably seems bigger but it was 10 years ago yeah it was it was just surprising anyway we'll call it the handy cam we're walking by zorro this is what i call him he's dressed up as zorro we're walking by zorro and he's recording everybody and you gotta picture this here i am i'm walking right in front of the guy right and i look to the left that's where he's standing and i see a man dressed as zorro recording people and i look and i like oh okay that interesting and then i notice one hand is like holding the camcorder up The other hand is the other arm I should say is moving vigorously
26:36
So I look down, and there he is jacking himself off. He is going full bore. Walking down the street.
26:48
Masturbating. Jerk it off. Jerking it hard. Right? I think I might have pictures of this on my phone. Hold on, though. This is the funny part. I am sitting there. I'm like, I walk by and go. So all I can picture is his video camera picking up me walking by going, huh? And then looking down and going, oh, God damn it. That's the best part. No, it's not the best part. That's not the best part. As I walk by going, oh, God damn it. You're masturbating or whatever. I walk by, just disgusted at this fucker, right? And we walk about, I don't know, 10 feet, 20 feet. I go to Drew and Kathleen. I'm like, that's fucking disgusting, right? And Drew and Kathleen go, what? Yeah, I guess. And I'm like, yeah, fuck that Zorro, dude. And you guys are both like, wait, what? I was like, you didn't see Zorro? And then they were like, no. So I grabbed them. And we walk back counterclockwise through the parade to get back to Zorro. And we're interrupting people or whatever. They're marching or whatever. And we walk right back to Zorro. And I point them out to you guys.
28:08
So this is how I picture Zorro. He's filming everybody walking by. He's masturbating. And then all of a sudden I walk by, look at his camera, go, oh. And then I look at his cock and I go, oh, god damn it. And his face probably was like, oh, God, this is good. And then I walk away. And then all of a sudden, two minutes later, two minutes goes by, and here I bring all my friends to go right in frame, pointing at the guy's penis. I'm like, look at that. They're all going, oh, that's so gross. And I was like, I know. And we're all just sitting there grossing out in front of this guy's home video. The guy probably is still jerking it to this day about that. Oh, yeah, totally. But that's one of my favorite moments of Mardi Gras because I was just like, that's another man masturbating to me. That's so weird. And it wasn't like he just did this for like a minute or two. He just kept going at it. Well, he was flaccid, too, which was really weird. Yeah, he was. I was like, what are you even trying to pull off, buddy? Literally. watching the world go by jerking off filming the whole thing i mean just just imagine and better yet like imagine this guy how do you even say that in a straight face exactly you are a crazy man it's what i do imagine this guy in a zoro mask you know and he was fit you know zoro mask okay he had his little six pack and he is just joking away looking at the world and like hey check me out and he just did this for an hour oh he kept going dude we walked by it was and and that's what we were talking about when we said the cops really don't you know just don't pee yeah during mardi gras like if you come all over the place don't pee if you did that in october they would have an issue with it you do that during mardi gras they're like oh look at zoro doing this thing again oh funny zoro it's exactly it's so weird and no they're serious about the p because we were talking like you know we might take for granted for all you guys who go to like festivals and stuff during the year they suck at having porta potties and you gotta it was awful you you gotta pay it was awful to find a place to go the little rest the like restaurants and stuff they're normally like just normal restaurants you know during mardi gras they'll they'll like okay yeah we'll let you go it's like five bucks and they charge you five bucks they give you a key and then you go pee and then you give them the key back i mean it's it's crazy so that's mardi gras story number one that's just that's that's are we getting to the railroad tracks or the oh uh toxic baby toxic baby we should go to toxic baby let's go toxic all right so that was story number one yeah masturbating zoro i mean i don't know what other pinball podcast out there is telling you guys about masturbating zoro none i don't know how we don't have 3 000 listeners yeah but you guys gotta get your friends on board with this because this is bullshit we should be pulling better numbers than this number one because nobody talks about masturbating zoro just saying that canada's podcast get all your listeners over yeah fucking put on some socks and talk about masturbating Zorro or get out of our neighborhood, bro. All right, here we go. So we'll talk toxic baby story. Toxic baby story is a great fucking story. Here's how this works. So the night starts to approach us, right? We've been drinking all day.
31:51
And there's a local pirate legend in the city of New Orleans. His name is Lafitte. and it's pierre and oh what's the other brother's name pierre's brother i don't remember but uh the the big one is pierre lafitte and the the quick historical story real real real real real quick he actually established like a little island off of the coast of gatlin in um off of texas and he actually had like a pirate like naval fortress where he had something like 60 cannons and he was the in between between oh pirates that raided the coasts and um he would actually sell his goods in new orleans and he used the waterways to sell his goods and uh pierre lafitte was dude if you want a good fucking uh wikipedia read dude read that dude up because it's impressive what one man can accomplish but he has he ends up winning helping the the the united states win the battle of new orleans against the british like we ran out of troops to help defend new orleans so there was a whole regiment of his pirates with cannon and muskets and stuff this is the true story true story and he his his his band of pirates helped turn the tide of this war and we ended up beating the the the english anyway sorry i get fucking jacked up about it but so with that being said there's a lot of pirate bars and a lot of pirate alleys and all this fun stuff that's pirate related in new orleans which i love trust me i fucking love it i got pirate tattoos i love it so much so uh we were walking down pirate alley and we found this little bar off to the real place yeah this little bar i forgot the name of the bar which is a shame because it's a beautiful bar but it was right next to this church and it was right off of the fucking ocean dude it was a beautiful bar what was that place called i don't know but we we we i remember pirates alley because there's a bunch of people role playing as pirates remember that yeah and uh so we ended up going to this bar now drew and i and kathleen and her brother patrick um we're used to wisconsin bar close at 2 a.m okay so just keep that at 1 45 they're turning on the lights and they're like you gotta Just throw that in the back of your mind. So we had been drinking all day, and we find this little bar, and I fall in love with it because I'm in love with pirates. And Drew and Kathleen are sweet enough to just be there for me as I live out some pirate fantasy and drink at this bar. And we meet this bartender. First off, all right, yeah, we meet this bartender. She is fucking amazing. And apparently this bar, although it's on Pirate's Alley, isn't like a pirate bar. But what they specialize in is absinthe. And we were like, oh, shit. They do like legit absinthe shots. And they also do a fun shot we learned was the toxic baby. And for every, it was like a purpley shot. So the first thing we did was, well, we're like, we see this big fucking giant glass jug of this purpley liquid. And we go, what is this? And they were like, it's the toxic baby shot. And we go, oh, all right, sweet. So every shot glass. It's an unlabeled bottle. Oh, it was a big glass jar. It was disgusting. And they were like, every shot you get, you get this little plastic baby. They put a little plastic little baby thing hanging off your shot glass. It was the weirdest thing. Just imagine, like, it's like three, four inches. It's just literally a little baby. Stupid little baby. Yeah. So we all took a shot. Boom, boom, boom. toxic baby we all had a baby it was so weird anyway i got a piss and there's no line to the bathroom like drew and i were saying there's a weird thing with the bathrooms there's right there's a line you have to get approved and then you gotta go to the bathroom well there's no line so i just kind of like jumped over this little railing and i went to the piss and as i left there's this huge dude this dude tall wise wasn't much much taller than me he was probably five nine but this guy weighed all of 250 this guy was huge and he was the bouncer and he had like this little dropkick murphy like little irish hat on and he goes he goes uh uh hey man you weren't in line i said there was no line and he's like no dude you need to get in line when you go take a piss in my and i go all right listen i called him dropkick because i was drunk i got all tough right i said listen drop kick i said listen drop kick there was no fucking line i had a piss do you want me to piss on your floor or do you want me to piss in the bathroom i didn't know there was a line there was no people there sure and he kind of laughed at me he was like did you know i roadied for the drop kick murphy's i was like do you believe that whatever dude i don't care what I believe at the time, at the time, he got a kick out of me calling him dropkick. Sure.
37:24
Nine times out of ten, I would have been thrown on my ass at the bar. That's very true. And I called him dropkick. I was like, losing dropkick. I'm pissed where I need to piss. I didn't see a line. Fuck off, right? And he thought it was so fucking funny that he gave me like, he was like, all right, you're cool. Go drink. Have fun. Sure. So anyway, so we're drinking. we're having is me you kathleen and patrick and we're having we had another toxic baby shot because it actually was tasty um we're drinking we're drinking more toxic baby no more toxic baby we're drinking and i guess i should precursor this earlier that day we went we had some crawfish and uh i got really really fucked up i got really really fucked up and i laid across some railroad tracks yeah that you did and i said i'm fucked up just kill me now i can't drink anymore you know that was earlier in the day anyway so here we are fast forward you came back of course i did i'm a fucking stud anyway so so the sun's setting and i'm we're just ordering shots and i'm having a ball the bartender she's amazing i'm fucking with drop kick left and right and he is loving it he is having so much fun and and before i knew it you know you and kathleen kathleen wanted to try some other bars and which was fine and i said yeah yeah that's fine so i just kept going to the atm blah blah blah blah long story short you and kathleen end up leaving and i'm sitting there and i'm just drinking with uh the bartender or whatever and we're doing absence shots we're doing toxic baby shots. We're just drinking. We're having a good time. How many babies did you have in front of you? At the end? You had a lot of babies. At the end, I had about 12. Because remember, every time you have a baby, they give you a plastic baby. I had 12 toxic babies. I had 12 of them.
39:30
Here's the thing that led to the 12 toxic babies, guys. I told Dropkick I kept skipping the line And Dropkick kept yelling at me I said listen buddy The second He kept giving me shit I was like you know what man the second yeah the second you get off on this shift you come find me i gonna buy you a shot we gonna have a great night and he was just giving me shit he's like you know what you know quit calling me draft cake blah blah blah blah blah you're a fucking crazy person blah blah blah i mean this a big dude anyway long story short after about you know i don't know six seven toxic babies and i'm fucked up all of a sudden i get a big slap on my back boom and i'm like what the fuck happened i felt like i got hit by a two by four and it's this fucking drop kick i'm like drop kick you made it and he's like he's like oh yeah let's let's get fucked up and i'm like i'm so fucked up and it was so dark and I didn't know what time it was and I thought Barclose was coming up so I was like yeah let's do it I didn't realize there's no Barclose at Mardi Gras so Dropkick and I seriously we have another 12 shots by the end of it and beers mostly shots and Dropkick's fucked up and I'm sitting there I'm like this is getting crazy and all of a sudden I mention it that I want to buy a bar and all of a sudden the owner of this bar shows up and he's like hey I hear you want to buy a bar I said I'm definitely in the market of buying bars this is the kind of bar I'm looking for and the bars the owner is like why don't you sit in my private table here so we go to this guy's table and we're followed by this beautiful brunette woman she almost looked like the the the lady from um the adams family like the uh morticia yeah morticia she was beautiful yeah dark hair though but very very pretty features sure sure and she was more interested in me buying the bar than he was in fact and they took me to their special booth and they started giving me free drinks and i was talking about how much i was into buying a bar right now totally lying and morticia's like yes i had no intention of buying any fucking bars i was 20 fucking seven maybe i was like yeah yeah totally gonna buy a bar and then dropkick joined us and we're all drinking together we're having a great time before i know it this guy dressed up as jesus started acting up and then he fell down and passed out and then uh the guy the owner was like let's get this this guy out of here kick him out of here and he's talking to dropkick I go to Dropkick I grab him by the shoulders Like Let me hit So I grab this guy Dressed up as Jesus It's Mardi Gras It's fucking weird I grab him And I throw him out of the bar Kind of Not really I get him to the door Sure Dropkick is like You're too gentle Grabs Jesus Who's passed out He's a passed out human being Yeah Picks him up over his shoulders Not over his head But over his shoulders And throws him I mean, good lands like on his shoulder. It looked super painful. And Dropkick was like, and don't come back. And I get out there and I'm like, welcome to the Temple of Doom, bitch. And everyone applauds. Like they thought what I said was just amazing, right? Sure. I get back to the owner's table and the owner's like, dude, you need a job? Because I will hire you instantly. And I'm sitting there. I'm like, Dropkick did all the work. and lo and behold I look over at the bar and who's there fucking Kathleen's brother Patrick the whole time he was talking to Jesus that entire time Jesus passed out Patrick was there the entire time I forgot I didn't talk to him at all that night anyway we get super fucked up he's kind of quiet sometimes we get super fucked up I don't end up buying a bar guys but I end up meeting a lot of great friends and we ended up I ended up, yeah, like 12, 15 of these toxic babies. I grabbed Patrick. I'm like, I didn't know you were here, bro. Let's get out of here. And we walk out. What did you do? Did you bring the babies with you? No. I left them at the bar. Left all the babies there. Left all of them at the bar. And we go to the main street, me and Patrick.
44:13
And it's like 3 or 4 in the morning. The sun's starting to come up. We don't know where you and Kathleen are. But the bar, you think, closes at 2. Yeah. And it's still gone. Did we meet you up for the street sweepers? Yeah, at midnight. I think we did. It gets a little fuzzy there. Yeah. So the street sweepers, at the end of the night or early morning, they sweep up all the drunks and the homeless people. It used to be where they did that. They would actually sweep them up. That was the thing, right? The cops. Well, there's a bunch of horses. Yes. Cops on horses would legitimately sweep the streets.
44:55
And that was what happened. And then you had a street sweeper follow them. However, now it's merely symbolic. Okay. Well, at the time, I felt like they were literally clearing the streets with the cops and the horses. That's the issue now. Now they don't really do it. They just pretend to do it. Well, at the time, I did. At the time, I thought they did. Sure, sure, sure. But they had legit like six street sweepers and five cops and hoists. Yeah, that's a lot. And there's drunks jumping up on those street sweepers. For sure.
45:28
They're getting pushed off. It's like the most ridiculous thing you've ever seen. Anyway, long story short, they sweep all these fucking idiots out of the way. And as it's happening, I start chanting. I go, USA, USA, USA. The cops start nodding at me, you know? Yeah. And all of a sudden, and you were there. I remember. The whole fucking block.
45:56
USA. And then the whole fucking French Quarter. I swear to God. What's going? USA. Fucking. We eat that now more than ever. Oh, my God. It was the funniest fucking thing. We eat that more than ever. Anyway, long story short. Drew and Kathleen decide to leave to go to the hotel. Well, no, before that, we were talking to a nice S&M couple. Oh, okay.
46:27
There's this nice... I gotta pee. Yeah, go ahead. Should we pause it? Dude, I am so drunk right now. I know. Ian, I have never been this drunk on a podcast before.
46:38
So, yeah, so Kathleen started talking to this couple. One guy's wearing, like, the old school, like, policeman hat. Like he's, he has like no shirt on and he's wearing like the, you know, uh, leather suspenders or whatever. And, uh, yeah, nice people. Like, I think, you know, it was one of those things, like he was a doctor and she was a lawyer. He's really, you know, she was, she was cute and, um, yeah, they just, they're just, they're just having fun, you know, doing their thing and, um, Mardi Gras people. But yeah, just super cool. Like, the whole thing, anyone who hasn't been there, you need to experience it. Oh, for sure. And I have pictures. I'll post them on our Facebook page. Like, remember the goats were tied to the fire hydrant? Like, people had pet goats out there. Yeah, it was great. You know, just everything was just weird. It was, like, flipped on its head. But the food was so good. Oh, so good. So good. Yeah, let's wrap up that night. So Drew and Kathleen ended up leaving, and me and Patrick ended up going back to... It's like 3 a.m. probably. Yeah, we were trying to find a liquor store to get more beer. You guys went back to the hotel. We found a liquor store. We got a bunch of beer, 3, 4 in the morning. And we ended up, Patrick and I ended up sitting down. We were drinking beer. I'm just like, dude, I don't think I can drink any fucking more. and to get to the hotel there's some train tracks and then there was uh harrah's uh casino yeah and i thought well it'd be easier instead of going all the way around we can cut through harrah's you know pass the train tracks and cut through harrah's so we pass the train tracks get to harrah's and then like three security guards on like golf carts show up like it was a big deal and they were like you can't cut through here we're closed i was like how would you close harrah's during mardi gras i i just assumed they'd be open 24 7 good thing at the time they weren't i don't know if it's changed but the time they were closed and i was like oh fuck so we had to go they were closed because it was late or it was late it was early okay so yeah all right fuck it and then I start to back up, but I'm like facing Harris and I'm slowly backing up, slowly backing up. And before I know it, a train goes by and I swear to fucking God, my clothes like I was so close to this train, the clothes on my back. I felt like we're going to get ripped off. Sure. That close. Like I was inches from a full on moving train. You were. and Patrick was like, bro, you almost died. I was like, shit. And Patrick, his only response was he started throwing beer bottles at the train and he was smashing beer bottles at the train. And I was like, how funny, because I was laying on railroad tracks just earlier that day. But almost died. Somewhere between me and my wife, we have those pictures of Ian on a train track. I think I posted them on Facebook. I'll post them again. Yeah, we certainly have those somewhere. All right. We'll leave it there. 50 minutes. We're good. We did it. We're running away. Mardi Gras. Dude, go there. Yes. But please, bring your money. Don't not go there. Yeah, bring your money. What was that place? Spend lots of money. What was that? Mother's Fried Chicken? Brothers. Wasn't it Brothers? Or Mothers. Brothers or Mother's Fried Chicken?
50:19
We got that. It looks like a game. Mothers was where we went for the po'boys. Yeah, that was the po'boys. Yeah. But there is this, like, it's basically like a gas station. Yeah, for fried chicken. Yeah, but you go in there, and the line's super long, and you're like, yeah. It's worth it. Yeah, you're like, oh, I'll get some fried chicken. You think you're like KFC, and then you eat this chicken. You're like, yep, that's the best chicken I've ever had in my fucking life. Guys, go to Mardi Gras. Get some crawfish. I don't care where you're from. Yeah, eat the head. Even if it's weird for you, don't eat the head. Suck it, but don't eat it.
50:48
But enjoy that food. And remember that bartender. that bartender was put together in a way where most women would fall over this she was all boobs yeah that was like we went skinny we went to this place but we weren't it was i went to this place for breakfast she was a she's she she was assembled in an assembly line she she's like wearing like a tank top and she's super cute and yeah just like you said her bike like it's just I remember Drew and I trying to have breakfast at the bar and your wife was like, let's have breakfast at the table. And we were like, but the bar!
51:29
And she was like, we're sitting at the table. And we said, okay. Alright, Kathleen, you win. Yeah, she was... That was a whole... That was a whole other world. I'm not going to get into that right now. We did enough damage for today. We did. Fuck it, Friday. Hope you enjoyed it. Drew, thank you so much. That was our Mardi Gras story. I want you guys to appreciate and experience Mardi Gras. Put that on your bucket list. That should be on everyone's bucket list. There was so much. We went to a Civil War museum. We went to an old bar that was once the blacksmith shop of Pierre Lafitte.
52:13
There's so much. So much. And the food. Guys, I can't tell you how good that fucking food was. No, that food was amazing. There's a reason why that culture there is just so goddamn laid back and happy. Because they eat good, they drink good, the weather's good. Just go there. Enjoy. And it doesn't matter if it's Mardi Gras or not. Because we want to go in the off season. I mean, the town is hospitable. It's a great place to be. It's beautiful. Beautiful people. Beautiful town. Just gorgeous. So, go visit it. We love you. Thank you so much, Drew. Thanks guys We'll see you next week For Excuse me Another episode Fuckin Friday We'll fuckin talk about something else Alright Love you guys Bye bye Thanks Oh god I'm so tired